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ISSUE 2
Hotter News Than Is Bearable!
MUSIC BEAT: Boo is the Boo of the Boo Radleys
An inside source at the Villiage Hall, Kirklington, can reveal that Mr Hind of Hucknall Boots, is the Boo of the Boo Radleys. When questioned about this he was unable to comment specifically except to say: "Wake Up, it's a beautiful morning" in a sing-song manner.
THE ARTS: Adcock vs Baroque
Miss Adcock of Bulwell Boots was unable to comment yesterday, despite allegations that she used the word "Baroque" with a customer enquiring about a pharmaceutical preparation for haemorrhoids.
The said customer, a Mr Bigbottomley said: "Bloody 'ell, I only comes in for a packet of Anusol and some Nurofon and I keeps gettting asked about Rococco and Baroque".
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A well known local origami expert was said to be relieved after her minutes of torture were ended after a surprise dream visit. She had been unable to complete an origami wedding gift, resplendent with Chinese symbolism, when a well known maiden of Byron apperared to her in a dream with a hot idea for the use of foil leaves.
The expert gave the following comment to our intrepid reporter: "I can't tell you what it's been like to have a complete weight lifted off my mind. I have been unable to think or eat (save for a few cheesy peas) but now I can live my life to the full once more."
PENNY-PINCHING CORNER: This Issue - Fancy Dress
This issue's dress guru is Janet who can exclusively reveal how to create a fancy dress outfit in minutes using a Boots tabbard. This handy nun's outfit is suitable for any party or 'do'.
Put the tabbard over the head but do not fasten the tags. Carefully pull the front upwards until it rests on the top of the forehead, making you look like Sister Maria of the Holy Immaculate Conception.
Team with sensible shoes, a Boots shirt and skirt and sing along the words to: "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" and you will be de rigeur of the party scene.
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Exclusive new evidence to support the claim that James Hind does indeed shop in the Sweater Shop.
Julie Craddock in Whitesnake mix-up.
Allegations that Baroque Adcock to wed jewellery expert.
My life with Byron - and how I yielded.
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ISSUE 3
70's ARE GO!
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It was a double celebration for two lucky ladies at the 70's retro nite held at the Penthouse Suite - Chez Fey. Miss Craddock, splendiferous in white slacks, and beflowered hat and Ms Adcock in emblazoned pink frock and white platforms were the birthday girls. Also attending: Ms Bellamy in black flares, spangly shoes and enough blue eyeshadow to launch a revolution, and Master Hind in an inharmonious shirt who dished up a most tasty dinner.
Highlights of the evening included Ms Bellamy knocking a rare candle holder off the wall and playing the flute, Miss Craddock dancing the minuetto with Mr Hind, Wombles of Wimbledon style, and Ms Adcock's rococco eyelashes unpeeling at a most inopportune moment. A splendid time was had by all!
NEXT: AT CHEZ FEY
James' 27th Birthday Bash - Come as a Pop Star!
Yes, you too can be Haddaway, Hazie Fantazie, a new romantic, or the whole of Haircut 100. Also appearing: ABBA-CADABRA - the Abba-esque tribute group relive the 'magic' that was ABBA.
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Paul 'Modfather' Weller played to a packed house at RCH on Monday. Ably supported by Juke, HP can reveal that Ms Bellamy was picked out by the drummer as being "$*%?! goegeous!!" Our modesty forbids us to recount further, dear readers. Ms Bellamy is recovering quietly at a secret location away from the local press.
The Modfather was assisted by the Godfather, a guitar technician who looked uncannily like Gerry Garcia of The Grateful Dead. He joined Paul onstage playing a bit of bottle neck guitar, jammin' along in a kind of "I'm wiv the band" type of way.
Ocean Color Scene man was spotted at the front, at the side of the stage and everywhere
The gig was attended by Lindsey Pinsey who was nursing a foot injury, Al the Pal and the Drummer's Dreamgirl in Ms Selfridge Heart Tee. Seating was excellent in Box D, affording a stunning view of the stage and more importantly of Paul who we all heart very much. He looked cool in pin stripe trews and shirt.
The Acoustic Set was brilliant with more guitar changes for the man in white shoes and black socks than until this time was thought humanly possible.
The gig was rounded off by a helping of chips from Angelo's in Bulwell. Angelo's are open 24 hours a day.
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Shoe designer (young 30) with boyish good looks and healthy lifestyle seeks girls 18 upwards - ties no probles. Interests include: smoking, drinking, and smoking. I am a part-time musician and enjoy the challenge of holding a Benson and hedges on my lower lip.
Next Issue:
The Poets Corner - guest local poet A Adcock will be writing her own special column.
Agony Aunt James will be dealing with all your problems. Hopefully someone will have written in so a letters page can be produced.
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ISSUE 4
THUNDERPANTS ARE GO!
Greater Beauty Than is Bearable Pts1&2
Agache was recently deluged by more beauty than is bearable with a recent visitor to Chez Fey. He has the following tips for anyone else, should they fall upon such equal beauty: 1) To smile once and in a courteous manner is well appropriate, whereas to grin innanely like a Cheshire cat on Prozac
will at best make you appear charmingly demented, and at worst will cause your visitor to eye up the closest exits and make a dash for sanity and escape.
2) The following rule-of-thumb is a useful guide: if they proffer a tissue with which to wipe up your drool, you have probably blown it. On the other hand, if they proffer a papier-poudre then you are probably in line for a good evening and a fine seeing-to. Head off to the little boys room for your ablutions pronto!
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Heartbreaker Boo shows his studly prowess once again, inspiring one Ms Lisa Germano to pen the little ditty “Tom, Dick & Harry” in her recent release “Small Heads EP” on the Bootastic 4AD label. In the song, his legendary performance is compared to not one, a couple, or even several, but lots of roadies - a favourite penchant of Ms Germano. Close friend and confidant, the fabtastic Ffaines-muir of Austin Mansions confimed today:
“Lisa was well aware of what she was letting herself into at the time, but had perhaps not taken to heart quite the strict preparatory exercise regime recommended in the “Bedding the Boo - you too can experience this latest sensation” manual, just released by Boneyard Books. She is now resting up at a private home for the elderly and has taken to snorting copious quantities of vitamin C and dancing on the balestrade to the Jive Bombers.
She is hoping to be in peak form for a repeat session with Mr Boo sometime late in the summer of ‘98. In the meantime, she felt that releasing a tribute song to Mr Boo was the best way forward, and indeed this course of action has been endorsed by both her psychotherapist and the woman who comes round to tweak at her herbacious borders”.
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Travelling at 14.4kbs, James was recently able to experience the sensation that was “Motss in Notts”. A local nite out for the Boyz arranged courtesy of many thousand of electrons whizzing their way twixt one computer terminal to another.
A dedicated follower of all things fashionable, our intrepid traveller has been making the most of the ‘net sensation currently sweeping the nation, and now reportedly reaching those as far a-field even as Inglemells.
“Those men with a preference for the fairer sex certainly know how to enjoy themselves” reports James, currently undertaking intensive research for his latest book
‘Champneys - is it really more enjoyable than a scrub down with Vim? ’, and reporting to us even as we speak, imersed head to toe in an egyptian 12th century heated mud bath.
“Little can be more pleasurable in life than guzzling back a grapefruit spritzer whilst discussing the merits of niobium nipple rings over the less sensual craze of belly-button peircing, and having one’s chest exposed to all and sundry.
The assortment of Hommes was quite diverse, and while the presence of those twentysomethings and the enjoyablilty of the evening should be taken as merely coincidental, it can’t be denied that there was a fair sprinkilng of gorgeousness”.
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Mother of seven with slight depression and intractable acne seeks tweed-suited man for odd jobs, cunnilingus and grouting. Looks not important but attitude is and snorkeling experience would be a bonus. I like nothing better than to pick the pepperoni from my PizzaHut pizza and use it to play fetch with my two-legged dog bernard, so if an evening in with a takeaway sounds your sort of thing then why not drop me a note.
I can’t read for toffee but Mother who lives upstairs is a dab hand once we find her magnifying glass. The grouting is for repairing my dentures, just so you don’t think that I want a man to help with re-tiling the bathroom or anything complicated like that. We don’t have a bathroom, as a matter of fact...
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hotpants@innotts.co.uk
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